Confessions of a selfish mother 


Their soft brown, freshly curled hair from braids blew in the wind as they splashed and played in the little pool we had bought them earlier this summer. The way they smiled and laughed made me smile ear to ear. No worries, no troubles.

Then a thought came to mind. “Did you ever think you would be a mother? The mother you are? The mother you will become with God’s guide?”. Thoughts start racing in my mind, memories of how far God has taken me. The times I thought I was Wonder-mom when really I was broken. The times I had yelled out of frustration and not taken the time to seek God. My sinfulness as a mother taken upon my children. Foolish decisions that I had made and now a battle to undo in my children. The late nights that instead of compassion I would sin in my heart. The late nights I would cry out to the ceiling hoping God would answer me because I was burdened with everything from this world BUT never filed myself with his word. While all this happen I was a “Good mom” to the world but to God I was clay in his hands waiting to give him permission to mold me to the woman I WAS TO BE.

Now just keep reading and try to get past this next paragraph.

I have read endless articles, blogs about it being “ok” to have meltdowns, its “ok” to according one blog, “kick” my child. Or to just hold them underwater for a bit. It was totally fine to do many things that even in my brokenness I found scary, mind you these were educated women and some who claimed Jesus Christ as their savior. I don’t know about you but this screamed SELFISHNESS to me. It was NOT funny to me. It didn’t make me feel better for my short coming as a mother. It did however made me see what was wrong with me. Selfishness. 

I was raised by a woman who I NEVER heard scream at us. NEVER heard her complain about things I hear now. HER home was her only business and for that I thank her. My mother is a woman of virtue without a mother of her own to have  taught her anything (my mom was an abandoned child in Mexico) she gives God glory for all she knows because it was his word and Holy spirit who guided her once she became christian, I was Five years old. She set the bar high for my sisters and I. I asked once if she ever did it because she wanted to boast about it or seem better than other moms, she simply said ” Ana, I never even knew people were watching me, I did what he Lord said to do and that was to commit to my home and mind my business here. To give up my will for you three. To deny my fleshes desires to sin against you all. To give you my whole self so that one day you can do the same for your kids and for God”. I don’t ever recall my mother sitting on the couch and telling us to leave her alone. I don’t recall my mother telling us we were annoying. Maybe she did and we didn’t hear her. I did however see my mom pray and we fell asleep next to her listening to her cry out to God for wisdom. I saw my mother pray for many other women, I saw my mom go out of her way to help others when some of the people till this day have not said “thank you”. Even in my rebellious years I knew my mom prayed for my salvation and kept hitting me hard with scripture rather her own simple human advise.There is power in his word sisters.

My mommy and daughters.

This generation of new Christian mom’s fall short including myself. You say that to women now and it’s like asking them to grow wings. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE ANA, WE ARE ALLOWED TO BE HUMANS!!!  It is true we are human, we make mistakes and we are allowed to have our moments. But make sure that before you make decisions you think about consequences, Proverbs 12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Before you have a melt down take the time to talk to God Proverbs 14:29 Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. Before you claim you’re only human as an everything excuse make sure, that your a human after Gods plan truly trying 2 Timothy 3:1-5 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

No one wants to hear this because I know personally it pushes me to get out of my comfort zone and in to GOD’S WILL. We live in a time where the minimum effort is enough and patted on the back along with a happy face sticker. I don’t want a pat in the back for my impatience. I don’t need a sticker to feel better because I don’t push myself to do more than I’m use to. God has equipped us all for all good work, Hebrews 13:21 Equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen. He has given us the HOLY SPIRIT who teaches us the fruits of the spirit, Galatians 5:22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control.

We will fail because in our own strength we fall. Even when we have the Lord we fail. There was only one man who lived perfectly and that was Jesus. If we want to live more like Jesus then we would treat our homes, husbands and children far better and make less excuses. The Proverbs woman is amazing and I still hear people pick and choosing what part of that they like and what’s impossible and don’t forget Titus 2:14.  Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Isn’t it time we really tried more? Really set our priorities straight? Give up our fleshly desires and obsessions to raise disciples. To want to give our children an extraordinary example. To reach any of that, we must put our selfishness aside and turn to the one who died in the cross for our sins. Without God we are just ” good moms” to the world. Sister I so wish I had other ways to write this and forgive me if you feel bad now but this should make you smile to know there is hope. There is more to life than to be barely passing this test with a D+, to know we have someone to turn to that knows how to mold us in such a way that everything he calls us to do will be fruitful. I am so thankful I had/have wise advise to buckle down and be a woman God wanted me to be, not what the world thought was “ok”. I am not a perfect mom. I don’t claim to be this holy angel descended from heaven at the sound of harps and trumpets. I claim that God has given me a calling I was to lazy and selfish to work on. I claim that when I put my selfishness away that’s when I saw God’s hand in my life. I claim that because I never accepted this worlds views of whats ok I was able to have an open heart to the Lords rebuke. I claim that all because of JESUS I have a chance to raise women who’s heart may be soft to the Lord and who’s strong minds wont be easily moved by the world. I choose to try harder. Will you? THIS WORLD MOVES AND CHANGES BUT GOD’S WORD NEVER CHANGES AND REMAINS THE SAME FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN. 

About She Found Grace

Mother and wife. Lover of all things God created.
This entry was posted in Journey to Grace, Mother and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s