Psalm 143:10 Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!
Some dream of fortune and greatness. Others dream of love and acceptance, but me? I wanted to be a bodybuilder… I’m serious right now guys! I laugh now, but then, gosh I would of defended that tile to the death. I wanted to be admired for my “self discipline” to be recognized for my hard work at the gym and to be seen as “different” to society. To win completions and show the world what Ana Nelson had done with protein and weights. I’m laughing as I type this by the way 😉. I can’t even understand how I thought that’s what God wanted from me. I felt so sad for my mom who had to deal with me growing up telling her I wanted to be a rock star, an astronaut, a model, a hair stylist (even though I can’t do hair to save my life) I even think I wanted to be a dog at some point in my life as a child I was NOT all there in the brain. My mom would just nod and smile but deep down she says she would say ” God please this child need you to show her she can not be a dog”. Haha, no joke my poor mother till this day smiles and nods.
So clearly I didn’t become either one of those things. So once I got married and became a mother I thought I could rule the world since my “dream crushing mom” wasn’t there to kill my pretend careers. So I decided I wanted to be a bodybuilder. I went from 197 pounds to 121 pounds in 6 months, I felt on top of the world. I was strong and healthy then something happened in me. I would no longer eat solid food, just shakes and I would ignore my family for the gym. Slowly but surely this became an idol that was killing me. I was actually in and out of the Dr’s because I couldn’t do many things regular healthy woman could. I was so in denial that this obsession was killing me. As time went on my health was deteriorating and I had managed to hospitalize myself. I had to start eating solid foods and I gained weight fast. I then started filling my void with food. Instead of God. Can you tell I have an extreme personality. Yikes! Going from 197 to 121 pounds then to 150 pounds in two years did a number on my body and mind. I then became even more obsessed with the gym. The first thing that came to mind in the morning was “gym”. Not God. I didn’t want to help at church because the gym was more important. I didn’t want to be at gatherings because the gym was waiting for me. It was a 24/7 thing. I no longer did arts and crafts with my daughters because it would get in the way of the gym. The last thing on my mind before sleeping was, you guessed it. Gym. I started feeling so alone and disoriented.
I knew something was off and I hated that I had an idea what it was. I had come to God feeling empty and alone. It’s interesting, when we fill that void in our heart that belongs to Jesus with things of this world we feel a hole in our soul and feel depressed and can’t find a way to feel better. That’s because he created us to worship him. To live for him. I was learning this and it was hard to admit I wasn’t in Gods will, again. We stray so easily.
So I came to God and asked him to forgive me and let me see what it was holding me back from feeling his love and guidance. I prayed and prayed hard. It took what seemed a week for him to put people in my life to show me what it was. To speak through people in my life what it was. Strangers who were in my same shoes but continued with what he had shown me was hurting me. He allowed me to see what I was capable of if I didn’t stop. He showed me where my children would end up, how my marriage would suffer. All this in one week and it was to clear for me to ignore. Like I’ve said in the past, in my relationship with God I know when he wants me to do something and I better do it with love, acceptance and faith knowing his ways are better.
There I was on my knees, I took a breath in and said it. “God, I know my desires are from my flesh. I never even thought about asking you what your will was for me. I thought my dreams would fulfill me but instead I find myself alone, unhealthy and distanced from you and my family, I see people around chasing their dreams an succeeding and that’s all I wanted too. But I know now that I want you to tell me because I’m no good at choosing. I’m ready to give up anything and everything for your will in my life”.
I just felt how God had heard and Im not saying God came down and told me, I’m saying the Holy Spirit put this in my heart. ” You always seek to satisfy your flesh, there’s nothing wrong with the gym and eating healthy but for you it is not good. It brings sadness and you never asked me what my will was for you, you always plan things without asking me and they leave you alone and empty. When you plan your own ways it fails because you’re not meant to chase these things. Anything keeping you from God or your ministry as a wife and mother has to go. It can’t control you. You’ll lose everytime”. This came to mind. 1 John 2:15-17 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
Once I knew giving up the thing I held on to the most would bring me closer to God and my family I let it go. Elsa style! Let me tell you it was one of the most memorable days with the Lord. Many don’t understand and you might think I’m crazy but I know God works in all things. Even so called “gym rats”. Nothing’s to big or to small for God. For me it was the gym and other things I will one day share and wanting that satisfaction of being a perfect looking mom and wife that I forgot to be a wife and mom after gods will.
Proverbs 14:1 A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. I was building a house out of straw here. Easily torn down. I replaced it for God. Maybe yours in not this, but maybe it’s a relationship, a job, TV, cellphones, YouTube, a habit, hobby or even food. It can be as little as how you spend your free time to letting go of pornography. We are human and easily idolize anything and everything! We have that longing becaus it’s built for God.
” The fact that humans can idolize anything, tells us that we need a God to fill it and that’s Jesus Christ” -A.N
What’s the first thing you think about when you wake up? What do you fix your schedule around? What’s one thing that if God asked you to let go, you’d have to think about? Answering these questions will help you see and sometimes it’s little and sometimes it’s big. Trust me when I tell you God’s plans are so much better than our own. This world has so much to offer that you end up lost. Funny how that works huh? I so want you to know that it’s not bad to have hobbies or activities you love. But don’t let them control you. Don’t let them get in the way of replacing God. Don’t let them lead you astray. I am in a place in my life that nothing has a hold on my heart like God and my family. I have nothing left to give but my heart. To surrender it all. I pray I continue this way till the day God calls me home. I still workout, at home. I still eat food but don’t indulge or starve. I have found my calling and it’s not to be successful in life. It’s to live for him. To teach my daughters who he is. To serve my husband. I don’t want to gain the world and lose my soul. I’m not sure what God has in store for me but ever since I gave up everything that I was holding on to and release it to God, he has continually shown my family what he wants us to do and it always turns out just fine. It’s hard but we know it’s worth it. We must pray those prayers that we dread. The ones were he shows us what’s holding us back. Pray you have a soft heart to hear his convictions and a strong mind to understand why and know his will is far greater than anything in this world.