Asking for forgiveness, for not forgiving.

Lately I have not been able to sleep well. My thoughts swim in a current of memories I wish I could forget. If I could just forget them, I’d be able to move on. I feel a heavy weight on me, like that of an elephant sitting on my chest. My breaths are short, my nights are long and my heart heavy. I try to tell myself things I’ve heard and seen as “quotes” to make myself feel better about my excuse to kind of, forgive and not forget… and it’s in that silence I feel it to be wrong. I’ve heard people say “You can forgive but don’t forget”, I can easily hold on to this worldly idea and get stuck there, not realizing it’s a quick sand mentality. You will eventually, s l o w l y, go down and painfully wish you’d gotten out before you realized you were sinking. Just like in the movies, the person is sinking in this quick sand and just when they are nearly almost unseen, the tip of their nose is all you can see, someone comes to save them, someone who was watching them. That my friends is Jesus for me. He is the one pulling me out of this quick sand mentality and giving me life, and an opportunity to unglue me from my; forgiving kind of, but not forgetting mentality. 

Who am I, to think that I must hold forgiveness over someone’s head? How sinful of me to think I’m soo great and powerful to determine if someone is worthy of my forgiveness, when God himself, BEING greater than me, holier than me, forgave me and even this very sinful behavior towards others. I feel so small when I think about God forgiving me and me not forgiving others. I feel ashamed to say that as a christian women have come to believe a lie, that being human gives me a free pass to act in sinful ways I know God would not agree with. I have many reasons to hold grudges, however imagine if God was like me… man we would be in a heap of trouble scripture says: Ephesians 4:31-32, Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. I have reasons to not forgive according to the world … imagine if God was like me and not have sent his only precious son to die in the cross for our sins to FORGIVE US, John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. I have reasons to not forget according to my own sinful mind … imagine if God was like me and not forget all the bad things we’ve done and hold it over us. Isaiah 43:25, “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.

Even if the person has hurt me many times, I know God want me to forgive and this time FORGET IT. That doesn’t mean to stay in that relationship and deal with it, it means to extend grace and love with distance. The other person has to also learn but as much as I would love for one conversation of forgiveness to change that person, usually it takes time for the person to come to see that continuing to do what they seek forgiveness for is painful, it could happen that the person understands and you mend it and hug it out and have BOTH decided to forget and move on. That would be ideal in my world. However that’s not always the case and then all we can do is forgive, forget, pray and keep a healthy distance until the other person agrees to mend on their side. Patience is key here.

I feel so ashamed to admit that I was so wrong. With all this being said, I know the Holy Spirit is calling me to do something I was dreading to do. I have someone in my heart, that deserves forgiveness and forgetting from me. Please keep me in your prayers and for the Holy Spirit to guide my every word as I reach out to this person. God bless you guys. 

3 thoughts on “Asking for forgiveness, for not forgiving.”

  1. Forgiveness is tough! But God called us to forgive. I remember very clearly a time when I was around your age, that I let some horrible events in my life go. I went to a retreat and they spoke about forgiveness. We did a ceremony of sorts (time alone with God). After 3-4 hours of alone time we came together with these pieces of paper of the names of those who had hurt us in the past. I can’t even explain the weight that was lifted off that day. Years of painful memories and abuse. God called me that day to seal it, lay it on the cross. From that point on, there was no dwelling on it or even thinking about it. We burned our papers together and prayed that God would heal. My prayers were answered. Healing took place. God is faithful! Praying for you sweet friend. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. {{{Hugs}}}


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