Our mind is so quick to play games with us. My insecurities sky rocket. Along come people in my extended life who I make an effort to love and to continually forgive for their words and actions… they stomp me as I lay down. I get these thoughts of “you are everything they say”, “you will never be enough”, “get a job, you’re lazy”, “you’re stupid”, “why can’t you just get it together”, “their right, you’re a hypocrite”, “If you could just lose those 30 pounds”, “If you want to be loved, change your convictions”. As hard as it is for me to share this. It’s real. In my mind. Maybe in yours.
I drag insecurities around, and I’m tired of dragging them. I beat myself up for not doing EVERYTHING, since I am a “SAHM”, (stay at home mom), I borrow my husbands money to buy him a gift for goodness sakes! I’m not valuable I hear. I don’t do enough I heard. I should get a real job and make money I’m told, my insecurities only multiplied when I opened my ears to others. . It’s not an easy career being a SAHM, with this career came many dark thoughts for me. That God is so faithful to help me with. That I now understand how to fight, although to be honest I still lose some days.
I often feel I don’t “do” enough to equal out what my husband does. I go the extra mile everyday to make sure I “feel” I’ve done enough. When I don’t do “enough”, I can’t help but tell myself I’m not being a good mom or wife. I tell myself tomorrow I will do better, but my thoughts over rule my actions leading my insecurity’s to play all day with me, my husband and my daughters. No grace. God says different about my calling and I must choose to believe him over my mind, my insecurities. Just when I’ve had one of those dreadful days.
Something like this happens…
The door bell rang, my dinner is cooking, my chicken is possibly burning because I’m opening this door. Both my girls running and haven’t eaten dinner yet and it’s 6:40! My dog is barking with a warning of a stranger at the door. My hair is in a messy bun (my signature look), my clothes consist of sweats and an old tshirt I found this morning before rushing to make breakfast and drop off the girls at school. I answer the door in a rushed, short, irritated voice…
There stood my husband, he bought me roses and told me he loved me with a smile on his face and eyes that glee with tender love. The last three weeks have been crazy here and I’m getting little to no rest. My husnad has a very demanding job, and still found a way to make me feel loved. Naturally I felt a slap to the face, of guilt. “His work is hard, he shouldn’t have to do this for you. You need to give him a rest, get it together, why should he deal with your stupid self”. So I serve dinner, brush little teeth and get the girls ready for bed, as I put the girls to sleep, I sang to them as I always do. They fell asleep rather quickly. But as I sing to them my voice gets softer, my voice starts shrinking next to my loud thoughts running marathons and hurdles. Tears than run like rain as I stare at my girls and memories of my short comings and my yelling that very day replay over and over. My heart sinks and my my mind can’t stop. I’m sick to my stomach but I can’t stop. I know it’s not all real, but I can’t stop. I know God can help me but I don’t trust he will, I don’t deserve him either. I don’t deserve his love. Truth is none of us do but my mind plays it as if I don’t have worth at all when really, I do.
When I came downstairs the dishes that were in the sink waiting for me, we’re done. The house smelled of chocolate covered strawberries and there he was, waiting for me to give me a quick back rub. Many would say it’s romantic but my mind didn’t go there, I was thankful but I felt guilty. I didn’t do enough to deserve this. I know God can help me but I don’t want him to. I want to do it myself because I did it to myself. My thoughts and insecurities have hurt my marriage. Have hurt friendships. It has hurt my calling as a mother and wife.
It took me almost 8 years to share these feeling with my husband. Or anyone really (I recommend you seek Godly council early) and I was surprised my husband lifted me up with the word. He shared his thoughts about my career as a mom and how he had never asked for my help as far as “getting a job”, never wants me to feel this way because he honors Gods will for my life as a mom and wife. He finds it to be ideal plan anyway. I feel relief hearing my husbands word. I am not alone. And neither are you.
Is this to real? This is me in my natural habitat. A sinner who’s mind needs renewing and grace from God. Much forgiveness and love.
Fighting these mind games have been a battle I’ve been losing since I was a child. I just never thought they’d get this bad.
How can I feel this way when I have Jesus, who gave it all for me? Shouldn’t I be put together since I’m Christian? Nope. Being a Christian woman doesn’t mean God waves a magic wand and *bim boom* thoughts be gone! Nope, not how it works.
Being a Christian woman means I’m a sinner still, saved by grace. It means I now know who can help me with this battle. It means scripture has given me a renewed mind. . . It’s my undeserving privilege through the Holy Spirit that I get to lean on God for help. I no longer run in circles trying to find hope of this battle ever being won. I get the privilege of having someone who will show me where I’m wrong and where I’m doing just fine.
Philippians 4:5-7 Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind. The Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks for what you have. And because you belong to Christ Jesus, God’s peace will stand guard over all your thoughts and feelings. His peace can do this far better than our human minds.
If this isn’t fitting, I would say I don’t know what is. Except God is much wiser and I can share many more of his beautiful graceful words to help us. Help me. My thoughts are not better than those of God. My human mind is not better.
Psalm 40:1-3 I called to the Lord, and he heard me.He heard my cries. He lifted me out of the grave. He lifted me from that muddy place. He picked me up, put me on solid ground, and kept my feet from slipping. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see what he did and worship him. They will put their trust in the Lord.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the Father who is full of mercy, the God of all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble so that when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.
My mind has no power over God, for he is the creator of my mind. How can the creation overpower the creator? Only if allowed. I choose to let the creator control his creation. Me.
There is hope in Jesus who died in the cross for these feeling. For these very thoughts. For my short coming. For your sins. For my thoughts of inadequacy. Sins I’ve been set free from. Words others have hurt me with. Actions I’ve been a victim to. I am able to seek refuge in God. From all these feelings and thoughts.
Knowing this doesn’t mean I have it all figured out and as I said before it’s a battle I fight everyday. But I choose to surround myself with Godly women who choose him too. We lift eachother up. My husband lifts me up and I lift him up when he feels this. I think better is one day in your courts then a thousand else where. I think on what is good, what is pure. I drown myself in scripture and prayer. He is the only one who can help me fight this mind game.
I’m reading the book ” So long, insecurity you’ve been a bad friend to us”, by Beth Moore. I highly recommend this book! Again, you’re not alone just reading this book made me realize so much. In the first chapter she says:
“I’m a common woman sharing common problems seeking common solutions with an uncommon Savior.”
Come to Jesus. He wants to help you. Repent from those thoughts, your life and come to the one who created you. I am no one without Jesus and me without Jesus would be dangerous. With these malicious thought we have, we open our minds to be told to end our life by the enemy . Jesus died for those thoughts too. He died, so you may live.
Jesus is my all. Life is empty and we have a hole in our heart that we fill with desires that leave us empty, that hole we have was created just for God. How I owe him my all. You’re not alone. This mind game, has no power over God. I can tell you that by experience. Are you hurting? Let me pray, let us pray for eachother to win this battle against our flesh, after all it is our biggest enemy. Shut your mind from insecurities, lies and ungodly thoughts. I choose Jesus.
Much love, Ana Nelson.