Usually I’d write something catchy for my title or my first paragraph, but I have to be honest… I’m struggling. How I wish I can stop saying that. I’m not struggling physically. I’m struggling spirituality. To me that seems to be my battles, daily. Against my mind and heart. Wanna know what’s been eating at me for the last I don’t know, 4 years?
• Self-pity •
Even its name itself shouts with selfishness. SELF-pity. As I write this I’m trying to unravel my mind and come to an end to this. There are so many experiences in my life that seem like, in a way happened just yesterday. That’s not good, because I wish I can tell you that they were marvelous experiences I replay in my mind, no no they are hurtful ones. Ones that the more I think about the more I start to realize, I was hurt and no one is taking responsibility for this. The more I think, how can they sleep at night? I start justifying my sinful behavior toward those people. That leads me to picking at myself for not standing up for myself. The more I start seeing the bad in my life and then it hits me like a train going what seems a million miles per hour, *CRASH*,
The more I drown in self pity, and resent the people in those memories. The more my heart rebels against loving them.
As a human I have many reasons to be upset and many reasons to play a victim, but that’s not what I’m to do as a Christian. As a Christian in called to not only pray for them (and mean it) but to love them. Luke 6:27-36 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.
My self pity is something I honestly haven’t given to God. I mean I pray about it, but truly it’s almost a way for me to gain the attention of those who hurt me, “hey you hurt me, you need to know this and I’ll show it to you by my posts on FB and my passive aggressive words when I see you, I need you to see that you caused this hurt!”.
Isn’t that terrible? But it’s true, oh Jesus help me. Here’s the thing God calls me to forgive… And I KNOW it but can’t seem to forget it because it hasen’t been acknowledged. Still God says, don’t seek vengeance. To me vengeance isn’t physically hurting anyone, (though many see it that way) to me it’s drowning in my pity hoping they see it and ask for forgiveness. Romans 12:19-21 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
You see, as a Christian no matter what excuse I have for my self pity, scripture has a way of rebuking that attitude. It’s not healthy for a person to be the way that I am. Deep down the root of my pity is self-ish. Wanting my hurt to be seen by those who caused it, but are to blind too see it, their hearts are too hard to know it, their pride is too big to fix it. There are things in life that will never be resolved. There are times in life people will hurt you and they will never say they are sorry. These people are empty and are in need of grace, not my pity. I can’t ask people who are not controlled by the Holy spirit to act as if they were. I can’t ask that from people don’t even know the Lord. I have Jesus and I struggle with these things, much less someone who is insensitive to the holy spirits rebuke. As Christianity do say this, if you claim to love Jesus and claim to follow him. Ask for forgiveness if you’ve wronged someone. Be sensitive to the Spirit of God and don’t let pride kill a chapter in your walk with Jesus.
I read this online and I thought to myself, wow God you literally thought about everything when you inspired our past brothers and sisters in Christ in writing your book.
Every human being is prone to self-pity. We are born self-centered, with a powerful drive to protect our egos and our “rights.” When we decide that life has not treated us as we have the right to be treated, self-pity is the result. Self-pity causes us to sulk and obsess over our hurts, real or perceived. At the heart of self-pity is a disagreement with God over how life—and He—has treated us. When we indulge in self-pity, we have elevated our importance in our own eyes. Romans 12:3 says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought.” We are thinking too highly of ourselves when we allow life’s hurts and injustices to dictate our emotional state.
Isn’t that crazy accurate? Well to me atleast it is.
This week I’ve made it my mission to truly die to self when these emotions and thoughts of self-pity cover come me. I’m tired, I’m weak spiritually in this part of my walk with Jesus… 4 years. It’s over, I’m done. Please pray for me as I ask the Lord to help me defeat this in his sons holy name!