I remember that night, it was very late and the stars were shining so bright. Tears running down my face and I couldn’t breath, my heart was racing and my mind was a fog. As I peeked out the window I let out a cry of mercy and a heart aching scream for God. It was silent and all I could hear was the echos of my heart being thrown back at me after bouncing off empty walls.
I knew I was far from the Lord, I knew that what I had done had built a wall between Gods Spirit and me. My heart aches knowing I’ve walked this far from what I once knew to be true, and there in that empty room with my hands holding my belly at the age of 16 I knew God was listening to my cry of desperation and repentance. Like most of us who find our self in rough situations… I ran to God.
My parents came to Christ when I was five years old, my mother was the leader of women’s ministries and my father was a worship leader, who years later became a pastor. I knew OF God, but unfortunately I didn’t know him personally.
I have to say, mammas just because you’re Christian, it doesn’t mean your children are.
Our children must have an experience with our Lord to accept him but until that day we must prepare them and raise them in his ways in hopes that they choose life. Salvation is very personal.
I was a very young girl when I was introduced to sexual immorality against my will and it seemed that every person I encounter had the means to continue adding to my memory bank of sexual abuse from the age of five. It’s almost as if I had this sign on my shirt that read, “sexual object” and that slowly became something I accepted and started to find normal and by the time I was 16, sadly I found refuge on.
I was 16 years old when I became pregnant with my oldest daughter, Evelyn. I was young, inexperienced and immature. I had chosen to sin against God and my parents and made a choice to have sex before marriage. The results of that was a child. A child that never asked to be brought to this earth, yet was on its way. I know this is very unpopular in our world and I know many would consider them self’s better parents that mine because of their decision on how to deal with my fornication.
How dare they choose for a 16-year-old what’s best for her, clearly she’s smart enough to make good decisions!” Right? Ha! I wish more parents would choose what’s best for their idiotic 16 year old’s. “That’s the pastors family?!” I would hear. “I would never allow my child to have sex before marriage!” Some said, that was my favorite one since these people clearly thought my parents gave me the green light to sin. These people didn’t realize I’m a sinner too. I made these choices when my parents thought I was at school. I was never one to be selfish about things but still the decisions I made, were clearly out of my own fleshly desire not thinking of my parents ministry that they later lost partly because of what I did. That’s selfish. Try caring that on your shoulders.
My parents with all wisdom and faithfulness to God did what they saw to be right and went to the court-house and asked the judge to marry me to someone I hardly knew. Four months to be exact. The judge, since I was 16 had to choose. Not my parents. She did a background check on his family and mine and determined I should not. My parents asked her to let them do what’s right in God’s eyes and after a long while she agreed. So there I was, 16, pregnant and married to a guy I hardly knew and who also wasn’t Christian oh and who was of a different culture and age. How was I going to win? By the time my daughter was born January 10th 2008, I was 17 and five months married.
The bible says to repent and confess. When I found out what I had done, what it really meant my heart hurt, I couldn’t breath, I felt a pain in my heart for what I had done. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Having a relationship with God again made me understand what I had to do. I wasn’t perfect all of a sudden I just understood what I was to do as a wife and mother but still had much to learn. I was to be responsible for the baby and to be of an example to my unconverted husband of age 19.
We had NOTHING in common but our sin. The only thing that brought us together was GOD. I was faithful to God in being of example, and Chris (my husband) opened his heart to God. This took 4 long, hurtful, scary and unpredictable years by the way. In fixing our sin he was faithful to us in leading us, cleaning us and preparing us to where we are. I can’t imagine life without my chilfren. Life without my husband, I couldn’t imagine where I would be now. As I look forward to celebrating our 10th marriage anniversary I look back at our heavy, gracefilled years of marriage how much God has restored, renewed, fixed, and loved us. How my parents decision was the start to my happy life in Christ. To my husbands coming to know Christ for the first time in his life. To our family and the future we will create for Gods glory.
God is faithful even when we are not. My life was a mess and I thank God every moment I can for saving me and giving me a new life in him. For teaching me to love him and my husband, to be an example to my children.
Thank you Jesus for your grace that reaches down and takes us from nothing and makes us clean and new. My heart will forever praise him for I was blind and now I see. Your amazing grace was enough for me. Thank you Jesus.