My eating disorder story and motherhood


****The little squares you see are actually (I), darn this iPhone glitch!

I feel it’s a safe place to share this, and you might be asking yourself… this is a Christian blog page what does this have to do with Jesus. Apart from being a Christian, I am a human. *gasp* so I struggle with many things and food is one of them. So I️ wanted to share this little piece with you.

From the time I️ can remember I’ve had a love/hate relationship with food. I️ know I’m not the only one either.

Going from a 90 pound 12 year old to a 130 pound 13 year old started it all.

When I️ was 16 I️ was still 130 pounds but I️ hid from everyone what we call bulimia for years! Even when I️ was married, my husband had no idea.

Welcoming our first baby girl in 2008 I️ ended up going from 130 pounds to an incredible 197 pounds…

In 2010 we welcomed our second baby and I️ had gone from 170 to 160 from gallbladder attacks. Soon after my binging began all over again just like I️ had been doing since I️ was 13. So I️ rapidly climbed to 190 again.

The year 2011 I️ was going to turn 21, so my husband wanted to motivate me with a trip to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday and to earn it all I️ had to do was lose the weight. He meant no harm, just motivating me since I️ had asked for help. So I️ busted myself from 190 to 121 in one year! March to September that is. Popping pills, working out 2x a day. Hardly eating and counting every single calorie. Soon enough I️ was sick and my body was yelling at me to stop. I️ had stopped menstruating and that was a huge sign. after the gym I would buy huge bags of Doritos and eat them in the car and throw away the bag at the store so no one knew I️ had eaten the whole bag. Huge bags of dinner rolls. Countless amounts of fries and two burgers. Just to come home and regret it near my bathroom toilet. So I️ started to realize I️ had gone off the deep end and because interested in bodybuilding. So much that I️ became good at it and went back up to 130 pounds at 16% body fat and I️ was feeling good. I️ realized that bodybuilding was “my thing” and it slowly became my obsession and just like all things I️ went to deep in to it.

Can you tell I️ have a very extreme personality? I️ got sick from all the stuff I️ ate to make my muscles leaner and I️ ended up binging and throwing up to gain some weight but not to much all over again. All that lead me to completely hate the gym and bodybuilding. So with a heavy heart and conviction of what it was doing to me, I️ left the gym and we moved that year out here where there’s no gym.. just cows.

So for those years I️ stopped working out and just binged. Mind you I️ was now 26 years old. I️ gained it all back. I️ was now 160 pounds. So I️ went from fat to skinny to buff to not caring at all again. I️ was that “I️ love myself this way” type gal even though I️ was clearly not happy. I️ had 0 energy. I️ wasn’t playing with my kids anymore. I️ also slept a lot! How is that ok?! That’s normal now in days too. It shouldn’t be that way.

This year 2017, we welcomed our 3rd baby and I️ went from 160-180 that pregnancy and I️ was ok with staying at 160 until recently when my health was not so great. From gastritis to no energy I️ knew I️ had to come to terms with my disorder and put it to rest once and for all. Mind you this is a first world problem. So I️ never prayed about it. Ever. I️ felt so ridiculous, asking God to help me with.. food addiction and bulimia.

But I️ did, after years and years. I️ feel free from it.

From paleo, to gluten free to vegan (I️ hate eating meat now, but don’t mind a good grass fed elk steak here and there or a wild salmon freshly caught) I’m done putting names on what I️ am, as far as my eating. I️ hate labels and because of my personality I️ felt I️ needed to have a certain eating style. Guess what? I️ don’t. You don’t either.

My sister calls me a Conscientious eater. << I️ like that. I’m conscience about what foods make me feel a certain way. I’m conscience about the importance of the source of my food.

If it helps me get stronger and I️ know where it came from. I’ll eat it. That’s it. No labels.

How on earth is this related to motherhood you might ask… keep reading.

Seriously, I’ve learned so much since fist becoming a mommy.

If you know me, you know so very well that I’m always learning and I️ Love to learn to become better.

I️ research on everything and I’m most likely going to disagree with mainstream norms now.

So when I️ think about what I️ fed my Evelyn (firstborn) and what I️KNOW is best now it makes me sad.

I’m glad that I’ve never been one to think I️ know it all.

I️ ️ continue to extend grace to myself (some days I️ wallow in the past and failures as a mother << anyone else? ) and since I️ know better, I️ do better.

Breaking old habits are hard.

Evelyn’s relationship with food is a reflection of my past failures and not because she’s the problem.. it was me. Whose child, after seeing their mother go through all that I️ did wouldn’t be confused?

Her eating habits have been the most challenging BUT we have come so far. I’m so proud of my baby girl and I’m so proud of how far I’ve come to educate myself and to see where I️ was wrong.

Going from 197 pounds to 121 to bodybuilding, to bulimia, to 180 all over again has been the biggest example of my lack in self discipline, lack in allowing God to help me with such first world problems and trust me my kiddos are watching. Its so hard when you’ve had an eating disorder. I️ have to be so careful to not input those disorder views on my children. Not chain them to “oh were vegan, now were paleo, now we indulge in everything because we don’t care”. It’s so hard! It’s confusing to them. So I️ took a step back and asked God to help me. To help me to be self disciplined but also be able to enjoy his food. To be an example to my children. That it’s important to take care of the temple he’s given us. That it’s equally as important to feed it right, to help it move and to yes care about what goes in it. But not be to extreme! It bothers me so much when women say, “love yourself the way you are” when I️ was clearly NOT HEALTHY. No! Love yourself enough to eat if you must. To workout if you must. To cut back on junk if you must. Love the temple you were given enough to care for it! Not like I️ did. But how it should be. Strong, full of life and energy.

Typing this out loud I️ feel I’ve made the final step in being free. There, I️ said it and now I️ feel I️ can move on.

*sigh*

I️ never got help for my struggle and lean only on Jesus but if you’re struggling, please get help. Seriously. It’s no joke. If you think about it, I️ spent 14 years of my life sick. That’s no way to live. Please reach out and get help and most importantly pray about it!

I’m ready to get my body strong again, to be the mom I️ was meant to be. To take all of the information I️ know from my past and weed out the bad and put to work the good.

About She Found Grace

Mother and wife. Lover of motherhood and marriage and all things in between.
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One Response to My eating disorder story and motherhood

  1. Neli says:

    Wow thank you so much for your transparency! You can see God all over this and all over your life. This is actually part of my testimony as well and it’s so funny because I just did a post on it and your post was like God confirming that I needed to write it.

    Like

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