After a minutes we hear the words, the words that made me think twice and made me doubt.
A few people had shared with me the concerns of our choice to add another baby all while my husband changed careers.
“I can’t believe she is having a 4th baby… I mean her husbands has MS. Isn’t it scary to know he could be disabled and she would have to leave to work and take care of all 4 kids plus her disabled husband?!”
“I would never have had more children. They could lose everything and be the laughing stock of everyone. He should have stayed at his job! He made great money! It’s like being so high and going back low to nothing.”
I stood there… quietly after hearing the concerns of others.
I mean I thought about it.
But why did it hit me so hard.
Was I truly that irresponsible? What did I do?
I think many times people mean well when they share their concerns with you about certain choices in your life. Sometimes they are right and many times they are not.
But this got me thinking hard. And for a few days I struggled with this doubt. Errr I’m still praying through it to be honest.
How am I going to provide for my house if my husband was to become blind? Disabled? What am I going to do? How can I make fast money? Who will care for the babes? Who will help my husband if I’m working? I’ll miss all the mom things! Will I be able to homeschool still? Will we lose the house? Will we be completely back to square one and have 0? We WILL be the laughing stock….
Literally all those questioned came up, all while I was standing there pretending to be interested in the conversations.
When I had time to be alone I prayed to God. That’s all I could do and all I can do to ease my heart and mind. I shared my heart and tears and asked God to help me with my doubt.
The new job my husband has scares me. There I said it. It’s not a regular paycheck kinda deal. It’s a “close on this home and you’ll get paid,” deal. It’s a, “market yourself and you will get clients,” type work. Sometimes it takes months before you see money. It scares me to know there will be no stability. One month he could be great and another we could be waiting for income. As a wife and mother with soon 4 kids… that scared me… scares me.
I quickly realized where my faith was.
After I sat down with my husband to hatch a plan for me to work he looked at me, took my hand and said “I will always find a way to provide. You have no need. God will sustain us. Trust me. All this feels right”
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
This verse reminded me quickly of what I was doing. Anyone else struggle with anxiety? Because I know that that I do when it comes to the unknown.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In my own understanding, nothing works and it seems hard. But when we truth in the Lord and we choose to lean on God, it is so possible!!!
Part of me still needs to remember those two verses while I recite my husbands words.
I don’t know what the future will bring, I don’t know if it we will be ok. I don’t know if my biggest shallow fears of losing this life we have built will fade. That’s scary.
I also don’t know life like God. I also don’t know what God has for us. I also don’t know how big God is and how gracious he will be. I don’t know.
What I do know is that all things work out for our good for those called according to his purpose.
That could be anything. It could be good and bad. All of it.
So as I struggle to lay it down I write my heart asking for prayer. I share my heart and my story.
Only God knows what will come and I pray with all my heart that he will always guide us. Regardless if it scares me.
I have to remember to lean on Jesus.
I have to remember to let God lead my emotions in faith and not by what I see.
Gosh it’s hard. But I have to remember!